Have you ever had a bad day? Have you ever been surrounded by people and felt utterly alone? If you were able to watch yourself and your day unfold, it would seem as if everything was great. But inside, you are screaming- Doesn't anyone see? Don't you all get it? Am I the only one???
That was me yesterday. And if you happened to see me yesterday, I doubt that you picked up on my feelings. I hope that you didn't, in fact. Yesterday was a beautiful day, filled with laughter, fun times, and wonderful friends. And that is precisely why I was hurting so much inside. I have been dealing with some things personally and all of the happiness yesterday illuminated to me how hollow I have allowed myself to become. It made me LONG for something more.
I think that most people know what they don't want, but not enough people know exactly what they DO want. They know they don't want to lose, but they don't know how to win...yesterday this smacked me in the face repeatedly...like seriously, over and over and over. I actually woke up this morning and looked in the mirror for the bruises.
Last night I cried out to the Lord and asked Him, "How much longer must I stay in this place? What am I missing so that I can move on? How much pain must I endure before You relieve me?"
Silence.
I cried myself to sleep. I cried in my sleep. I woke up with a tear streaked face and swollen eyes. With a broken and heavy heart. I asked again, "What am I missing? Is this really what You have planned for my life!?"
I went to church and tried to pray. Tried to hear God. Tried to make sense of this wilderness that I am in. I sang and prayed and took notes on the message. AND FELT NOTHING. Heard nothing. I felt even more alone than before. And then with only moments of the service left, I heard Him answer me. "Worship me. Keep seeking Me. Surrender."
But it was on my way home that I got my answer. Whispered to my heart. "Lay your Isaac down."
BOOM
I was not ready for that. I mean I honestly thought I had surrendered. Everything. I thought I had let go of controlling my situation. But in that instant, I realized I didn't have the faith that Abraham had up on that mountain. What if I was blocking my own blessing??
Journey with me for a minute to Genesis:
God promises Abram and Sarai children. They are old. Sarai is barren. They trust in God's promise...for a little while. And then they start trying to "help" God out. Abram has a son by Sarai's servant. It causes serious strife in the household, as you might imagine. God does in fact bless Sarah and Abraham with a child. He calls them by new names. Isaac is their son. He is the culmination of a covenant between them and God. Can you imagine waiting years and years and years for God to move on His promise? The joy! The peace! The fulfillment! God said He would and He did.
Ahhhhhhh....the end right? Nope. Let's look at Genesis 22. God called to Abraham and said 'You remember that child that you and Sarah waited 25 years for? I want him back. Go up on that mountain and build an altar and offer up the joy of your heart, your beloved son, the THING I have promised to you. Give it back to me. Lay your Isaac down.'
Can you imagine? God asked Abraham to show his love by sacrificing his only son. God had asked Abraham to trust Him before and Abraham and Sarah took matters into their own hands. They tried to 'help' God out. So now He has come back and asked for total trust and surrender. What would Abraham do? What would you do? What would I do?
Abraham departs immediately. What's interesting to me is that he doesn't tell anyone what God has asked him to do. Not even his wife. God gave him this mission. He doesn't prepare. He doesn't throw a going away party. He loads up Isaac, some firewood, some matches and heads out. It is several days journey to the mountain where he is supposed to offer up Isaac. Along the way, Isaac says, 'Hey Dad? I noticed that you brought the wood and the matches, but didn't you forget an essential piece? Where's the ram? What are we going to put on the alter?' Abraham looks at his son and calmly replies, 'God Himself will provide'.
In that sentence I feel like Abraham had made his choice. He had already prepared his heart to lay Isaac down. To forfeit his son for God's blessing. Whether he meant that God would provide a proxy or if he meant that God would provide for him in his sorrow. He was at peace with obeying God.
Abraham went on to build the altar and tie Isaac up, lay him on the altar and raise his knife to kill his son, when an angel of the Lord spoke to him and stopped him. Abraham was blessed by God that day - he was promised that the world would be populated more than the stars in the sky, more than the sand on seashore by his descendants. He laid it all on the line and was rewarded a million times over.
God said that since Abraham did not withhold anything from Him, He would not withhold anything from him.
I have been asking myself today, what have I been withholding from God? Am I totally surrendered to Him? Have I taken MY Isaac and laid it up on the altar and been willing to lose it all??? Because honestly, what do we gain by counting on ourselves and not God?
Mark 8:36 (KJV)
For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
What is your Isaac, dear friend? What have you been holding on to sooo tightly that God can't get in there and move and bring about the blessing?
For me, I know what my Isaac is. It is not the time to reveal it now. I know God will move in my life. He will not leave me or forsake me (Heb 13:5). He has an appointed time for me. He is never late or 'just in the knick of time.' He is ALWAYS right on time (Hab 2:3). So until that appointed time, I will surrender. I will worship. I will be the hand of hope. I will grow. I will be allow myself to be broken so that I may be made whole.
I pray today that you may be able to lay your Isaac down. That together we might take this step of faith. For what we give to God will come back 30, 60, even 100-fold (Matt 13:23). I believe the God of 100-fold.
Thank you Lord for just enough light for this step...
